I know when I’m feeling anxious. Sometimes I have feelings I can’t identify. I think this part of having ASD. The worst feeling that I’ve ever experienced is feeling alone. Isolated from reality and what is going on around me. I sometimes feel like I’m a prisoner of my own mind and the only person who can set me free is myself.
I can feel the thoughts creeping through and once they start they never seem to stop. Nobody else sees what’s going on inside my head so maybe it’s all pretend. If I think about a thought long enough it turns into a fear. From there, it’s all I can think about until something else takes its place.
My thoughts can become so big that I focus on things that could happen rather that what is actually happening. I sit there attempting to organise my thoughts into categories it can become quite exhausting. It takes so long time to get myself together that don’t spend as much time with family and friends as I would like to.
There are times when I have to squash thoughts, feelings, fears into one big box and put on my best acting skills to try and convince everyone (and myself) that I’m okay. That’s what ‘masking’ is.
I am grateful that my days aren’t always like this.
I have a type of therapy called CBT it stands for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and I also take antidepressants. These two things have started to change my life in a positive way which I am very grateful for. In addition, I have strategies that I try and implement into my everyday life. Meditating, breathing techniques and positive affirmations. If on one of those days these techniques don’t work, I’ll try something different.
Not everyday is going to be the same and I think we all should be prepared for that. We are stronger than we think; we just need to start reminding ourselves.